Forever Meant Being There—Always

布鲁克·科梅尔/Brooke Comer

我快要饿死了。在开车回家的路上，我才意识到，早饭后我就再也没有吃过东西了。我和伊夫一直都专注地在做一个特别项目，以至于连吃饭这回事都没有想起来。我把车子开进自家车道，马上发现妻子的车子不在车库。我无奈地叹了口气。

“卡罗琳？”我一边进屋一边喊着她的名字。但是我知道，是不会有人回答我、迎接我的，更不会有扑鼻的饭香。家里空****的，和往常一样。我走进厨房，卡罗琳在柜子上草草地给我留了张便条：“我晚上有课。冰箱里有卤汁面条。爱你。”

我把便条揉成纸团，皱着眉头大声抱怨着：“这些天她总是有课。”打开冰箱，我看到卤汁面条盒子上写着“晚餐一份”。我把它又扔回冰箱，我不想吃从超市里买回来的冰冷的面条物，我想吃卡罗琳做的卤汁面条。我还希望妻子能与我面对面坐在餐桌旁，一起吃饭。

我很孤单——我怀念孩子们在家的日子。我们最小的孩子莎拉也离开家去上学有好几个月了。那时我还觉得挺好，因为这样的话，我就可以与卡罗琳过二人世界了。我原以为我们在一起的时间会更多。

可是，卡罗琳有了另外的打算。

我还记得那天晚上，她向我宣布要回到学校时的情形。

“萨姆，别笑我。”卡罗琳说。

“我没有笑啊。”我回答道，很欣赏她有重新回到学校去的勇气。“以前我似乎从来都没有时间做这件事。”

我点点头表示赞同。卡罗琳为孩子们做了一切——开车送他们去学音乐、去练棒球。

“我知道要拿到教课证，肯定需要一段时间。但是我真的想拿到它。”

“我觉得这个想法真的很令人佩服，我认为你很棒。”我对卡罗琳说。

她脸红了，目光凝视着我们紧紧握在一起的手。“像我这个年龄……或许没有人会雇用我。”

我告诉她：“你还年轻呢。”

我坐在餐桌前，回想着那个夜晚的分分秒秒。真的，我曾为她感到自豪，现在依然因为她而骄傲。那么是什么发生了变化？

的确，卡罗琳的时间安排得很紧，要准备考试，要写论文，而我也很忙。

我走到冰箱前，对着它说：“这不是黑暗时代。我不会因为卡罗琳不在家做饭而饿死。”

然而，当我往面包上撒芥末，并找来一些奶酪和熟肉做三明治时，还是不能挥去家里充溢着的孤独感……和我内心的孤独。

或许这并不是黑暗时代，我想。但是，一个老派的男人居然还会想念妻子，这是多么糟糕的事啊！

第二天早晨，卡罗琳急匆匆地来到厨房，问道：“你看到我蓝色的笔记本了吗？”

我摇摇头。“今天晚上我能见到你吗？”

卡罗琳看着我。她能察觉出其中的紧张氛围。或者，她能察觉到吗？

我想，可能是她太忙于学校的事了，无暇顾及其他。

“萨姆，你知道的，我今晚有课，而且上完课之后我还得去图书馆学习，”她停顿了一下，然后慢慢地说，“今天晚上，有什么特别的原因需要我在家陪你吗？”

我下颌处的肌肉绷得紧紧的，我转过身，大声说道：“没有，我想没有理由。”

当我走进办公室时，听到有人在议论：“要么是在上班的路上车胎没气了，要么就是你的咖啡机坏了。”

伊夫正靠在文件柜上咧着嘴笑。尽管情绪不高，我还是笑了起来。我说：“都不是，只是因为……”

“因为什么？”伊夫一直走到我面前问道。

我注视着她。她是一位很容易相处的同事——聪明而且勤奋。她那一双淡褐色的眼睛，从来都不会放过哪怕最细微的小事。她的嘴角向上翘着，仿佛一直在微笑。

我们在一起工作已经有一段时间了，彼此都很了解。我想，你可以把我们称为朋友吧。

“没什么。咱们开始工作吧。”我说。

我和伊夫有条不紊地工作了一天，直到我的肚子开始咕咕地叫起来，我才意识到我们又忘记吃午饭了，而现在已经快到吃晚餐的时间了。

我对伊夫说：“我知道，我们还得再工作两个小时。但是，如果我现在不马上吃点东西的话，我可能会饿死。”

伊夫靠在她的椅子上，说：“我家离这里只有几个街区，为什么不去我那儿呢？我可以做点晚饭吃，我们还可以工作。”

“可是……”我欲言又止。事实上，我不知道该说些什么。我应该去伊夫的家里吃晚饭吗？

为什么不去？我的大脑中闪现出这句话。反正家里也没有人等我。

想到卡罗琳在上课，想到冰箱里放着的那些写着“晚餐一份”的盒子，我看着伊夫那浅褐色的眼睛和微笑的嘴巴。

我说：“好。咱们走吧。”

伊夫的家让人觉得很舒服——就像伊夫本人一样。我们端着晚餐盘子，肩并肩地坐在沙发上，文件散放在我们前面的咖啡桌上。

“很抱歉，我实在拿不出比汉堡包更好的东西了。”伊夫说。

“不用说抱歉，”我说，“这真的不错。我喜欢吃汉堡包。”

但是，我知道我并不喜欢吃汉堡包，而是喜欢坐在我身边，听我说话的人。我不确定我的所作所为是否正确。或许，我并不像自己想的那样老派吧。

我们一边吃晚饭一边工作，交谈的内容都是关于面前的文件。后来，伊夫的身体向我倾过来，将一根手指轻轻地放在我的脸上。

“你在干什么？”我的声音有些沙哑。

她笑了笑，说：“你的嘴角沾了一些番茄酱。”

我像冻僵了似的呆坐在那里，盯着伊夫浅褐色的眼睛，感觉到她的手指在轻轻地触摸着我的嘴唇。

过了一会儿，她又抬起另一只手放在我的脸上，我知道这次与我嘴上的番茄酱无关。我握住她的手，把它们放在我的胸前。

“伊夫……？”我像是要问一个问题般地念出这个名字。

“萨姆。”她柔声地回应我。

她的手暖暖的。我有些想知道伊夫的嘴唇是否也像她的双手一样柔软。但是就在那一刻，我意识到我不应该在伊夫身边，而应该在家里，与卡罗琳在一起。那并不仅仅因为我的老派。爱和信任与老派无关。

“我不能这么做，伊夫，”我轻声说，“你是个有魅力的女人，我喜欢同你一起工作，但是……”

“我并不需要永远，萨姆。”伊夫说。

“可是我需要，”我从沙发上站起来，“伊夫，我需要永远。”

我知道这是真的，即使永远意味着用好的心态去面对逆境，意味着等待某人。但是，永远还意味着永远在一起。

从伊夫家开车出来时，我看了一下手表，知道卡罗琳的课上完了。她说她下课后要去图书馆。我朝学校开去，路上只匆匆地停下过一次。

我看到卡罗琳正独自坐在那里，埋头读书。“给你一个惊喜。”我在她的耳旁轻声说。

听到我的声音，卡罗琳跳了起来，然后高兴地朝我笑着。“萨姆！你来这儿做什么？”

我拿给她一个褐色的纸袋。“打开它。”

卡罗琳从纸袋里掏出两块用塑料纸包好的纸托巧克力蛋糕。

“还记得孩子们小的时候，你总需要‘精神兴奋剂’吗？”我在她旁边坐下，轻声地问，“这些蛋糕总会奏效。我想，或许现在你也用得着。”

卡罗琳的一只手放在我的胳膊上。“我希望这表示你已经忘记了今天早晨的事。”

我俯下身，吻了她。这使我们两个人都忘记了自己是在图书馆里，忘记了蛋糕和争吵。

“如果你愿意，”我慢慢地说，“我可以帮你做论文的研究工作。”

卡罗琳的回答全都包含在她那充满泪水的眼睛里。这就足够了。

I was starving.As I drove home， I realized I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.Eve and I had been working too hard on a special project to even think about food.I pulled into the driveway， and immediately noticed my wife's car wasn't in the garage.I sighed.

"Carolyn？" I called as I entered the house.But I knew there would be no answer， no one to greet me， no fragrant aroma of dinner cooking.The house was empty， as usual.I walked into the kitchen.Carolyn had left a hastily scrawled note for me on the counter："Class tonight.Lasagna in the freezer.Love you."

I crumpled up the note. "She's always at class these days." I muttered aloud， frowning， I opened the freezer door.The small box said "Dinner for one." I threw it back in the freezer.I didn't want frozen lasagna from the supermarket； I wanted Carolyn's lasagna.And I wanted my wife across the table from me.

I was lonely—I missed having the children at home.Sarah， our youngest， had left for college months ago.At the time I'd felt okay about it because Carolyn and I had each other.I'd assumed we'd have more time together.

Carolyn， however， had other ideas.

I remembered the night she announced she was going back to school.

"Don't laugh at me， Sam，" Carolyn had said.

"I'm not laughing." I replied.I admired her for returning to school.

"There never seemed to be time to do it before."

I nodded.Carolyn had done everything for the kids—driving them to music lessons and baseball practices.

"I know it's going to take me a while to get my teaching certification， but I really want to do it."

"I think it's a terrific idea.I think you're terrific." I told Carolyn.

She'd blushed and stared down at our clasped hands. "Nobody may want to hire me… at my age."

"You're not over the hill yet." I told her.

I sat at the kitchen table， remembering every moment of that night.It was true—I had been proud of her； I was still proud of her.So what had changed？

Certainly Carolyn had a busy schedule， with tests to study for and papers to write.But I was busy， too.

I walked over to the refrigerator. "This isn't the Dark Ages.I'm not going to starve to death because Carolyn isn't home to cook." I said to it.

Yet， as I spread some mustard on a piece of bread and searched for some cheese and deli meat to make a sandwich， I couldn't ignore the empty feeling inside the house …inside me.

Maybe this isn't the Dark Ages， I thought.But what's so terrible about being an old-fashioned guy who misses his wife？

The next morning， Carolyn hurried through the kitchen. "Did you see my blue notebook？" she asked.

I shook my head. "Will I see you tonight？"

Carolyn looked at me.She could sense the tension.Or could she？

Maybe she's too busy with school to notice anything， I thought.

"Sam， you know I've got a class tonight， and I need to go to the library later." She paused and then said， slowly， "Is there special reason you needed me home tonight？"

The muscle in my jaw tightened and I turned away. "No，" I called， "I guess I don't."

When I walked into the office I heard someone say， "Either you got a flat tire on the way to work or the coffee machine is broken."

Eve was leaning against the filing cabinet， grinning.I laughed in spite of my lousy mood. "None of the above，" I said， "it's just …"

"Just what？" Eve walked over until she was standing directly in front of me.

I stared at her.She was an easy person to work with—smart and a hard worker.Her hazel eyes never missed the smallest detail and her mouth lifted at the corners， as if she were always smiling.

Working together these past few weeks， we'd gotten to know each other fairly well.I guess you could call us friends.

"It's nothing，" I said， "let's get to work."

We worked steadily through the day， and it wasn't until my stomach began rumbling that I realized we'd forgotten about lunch again and it was close to dinner-time.

"I know we still have a couple of hours of work ahead of us，" I said to her， "but if I don't get something to eat soon， I may starve to death."

Eve leaned back in her chair. "I only live a couple of blocks from here，" she said， "why don't we go to my place？ I can make dinner and we can keep working."

"Well …" I began， and then stopped.The truth was， I didn't know what to say.Should I go to Eve's apartment for dinner？

Why not？Said the voice in my head.There's nothing waiting for you at home anyway.

I thought of Carolyn at class and of the freezer stocked with boxes that said "Dinner for one." I looked at Eve's hazel eyes and smiling mouth.

"Sure，" I said， "let's go."

Eve's apartment was comfortable—like Eve.We sat side by side on the sofa with our plates， our papers scattered on the coffee table in front of us.

"Sorry I couldn't come up with anything more exciting than hamburgers." Eve said.

"Don't apologize，" I said， "this is great.I really love hamburgers."

But it wasn't the hamburgers I loved， and I knew it.It was sitting next to someone who listened to what I had to say.I wasn't sure what I was doing was right.Maybe I wasn't as old fashioned as I'd thought I was.

We worked as we ate， our conversation centered around the papers in front of us.Then Eve leaned toward me and put a finger gently to my face.

"What are you doing？" My voice was hoarse.

She smiled. "You have some ketchup on the side of your mouth."

I sat as if frozen， staring into Eve's hazel eyes and feeling the gentle touch of her finger against my lips.

After a moment， she brought her other hand up to my face， and I knew this had nothing to do with ketchup on my mouth.I reached for both her hands， holding them in front of me.

"Eve…？”I said it as if I were asking a question.

"Sam." she whispered softly in response.

Her hands felt warm.Part of me wanted to discover if Eve's lips were as soft as her hands.But at that moment， I realized my place wasn't here beside Eve.It was home with Carolyn.It's not just that I'm old-fashioned.Love and trust have nothing to do with fashion.

"I can't， Eve，" I said gently， "you're an attractive woman and I enjoy working with you but…"

"I don't need forever， Sam." she said.

"But I do，" I stood up from the sofa， "I do， Eve."

And I knew it was true， even if forever meant taking the bad times with the good； even if it meant waiting for someone.But forever meant being there always and permanently.

As I drove away from Eve's apartment， I looked at my watch and saw that Carolyn's class was over.She'd said she was going to the library after class.I headed there， making one quick stop along the way.

I found her sitting alone with her nose buried in a book. "Surprise." I whispered in her ear.

Carolyn jumped at the sound of my voice and then smiled with pleasure. "Sam！ What are you doing here？"

I held out a brown bag. "Open it."

Reaching inside， Carolyn pulled out two chocolate cupcakes that were wrapped in plastic.

"Remember when the kids were little and you'd need an energy boost？" I asked quietly， sitting down next to her. "These always worked.I thought maybe you could use some."

Carolyn rested a hand on my arm. "I hope this means you've forgotten about this morning."

I leaned over and kissed her， making us both forget about libraries and cupcakes and quarrels.

"If you like，" I said slowly， "I could help you with the research for your paper."

Carolyn's answer was in her shining eyes.And it was enough.