佚名/Anonymous
Marrying off your daughter to a stranger can be the most exhilarating and exasperating experience. My story is a simple one and true to the times of this era. The wedding consisted of three sets of parents:my second wife and me, my ex-wife and her spouse, and the groom's parents who actually had the stamina to stay married to each other for twenty-four years. When people ask me how long I've been married to my wife, I always say twenty-three years, even though it has only been ten. Why?It's easier for me to add both of my marriages together to achieve my ideal number;a number I'll remember. I was married for thirteen years to my first wife and ten to my second, therefore, I've been wearing the ball and chain for quite some time.
I first met Randy, my son-in-law to be, at the tuxedo rental shop. I was picking up my tux and shoes for the wedding, still unable to figure out why my wife spent over eight hundred dollars on her dress when I'd be forced to wear a tux and shoes that numerous bodies had been inside, when three young men came in and spoke to the clerk behind the counter. They stated they were there to pick up their“monkey suits”for the Webster wedding. I looked at all three of them and decided, which one I wanted to be my son-in-law. To my dismay, my choice didn't correspond with my daughter's. My son-in-law was the tall, lanky one with spiked hair and a small goatee. His appearance made me wonder what my grandchildren would look like. He also looked very hungover from his bachelor party the night before. I introduced myself, and he nervously grabbed his tux. The encourage disappeared to the back dressing room. I assumed the cowards would stay there until I'd left, I assumed correctly.
My next stop was the wedding hall, where I was expected to pay an enormous sum of money to feed and intoxicate many people. The ever-pleasing office manager, Noelle, asked me if I'd like to see the wedding room. Once inside, I looked around and informed Noelle that there was something wrong right away. She inquired what that might be. I told her I didn't see a broom closet, as there would be many witches attending the wedding, meaning my ex and all my ex-in-laws. Noelle didn't laugh at my humor, but I chuckled to myself. If nothing else. I do amuse myself.
The day of the wedding, my daughter, Jenny, decided to have both her mother, my ex-wife, and me walk her down the aisle. I was displeased at first, but I was forced to agree that it was Jenny's wedding and not mine, even though I paid for everything. That was another dilemma, I did have to pay for everything. I didn't plan the wedding, pick out the wedding chapel, the wedding dress, the menu, or even the groom. It seemed that neither my ex-wife nor the groom's parents seemed to have any money. I was beginning to feel set up, especially when the smiling Noelle followed me around everywhere I went, probably wondering if I had another credit card that hadn't been maxed out.
Walking your daughter down the aisle toward what you perceive to be is the wrong guy for her is a horrible feeling. I looked over at her face and she was beaming. Up ahead my son-in-law to be was beaming. I smiled brightly for the photographer and found myself thinking I could pull Jenny off of there and bring her back home and find her a real man. My wife must've read my mind because I received some disturbing looks from her.
The ceremony wasn't what I'd wanted, either. I wanted a priest and I got Reverend Goodvibes. Reverend Goodvibes's answering machine holds a greeting from his dogs. This should've been a red flag, but it was not my wedding as I was reminded yet again. Reverend Goodvibes performed what started out to be a nice service until he went into his sermon. He compared my daughter's wedding to the ritual that the Queen of England held at Princess Diana's funeral. He went on to say that the funeral was a ritual because the Queen disliked Diana. What did this have to do with my daughter's wedding?Again I held my tongues as my wife squeezed my hand, tears flowing down her face. She was crying for joy. If I could've mustered up a tear or two, they wouldn't have been tears of joy.
The reception following went well, and no fist fights ensued as I'd expected. People drank, and drank and Noelle continued to ask me if I was pleased with everything. I always nodded approvingly because my wife's stare was embedded into the back of my head by now. I tried to make contact with my new son-in-law, Randy. I wanted to give him the old“you better her right speech”but no one seemed to let me get that close. I also wanted to hug and kiss my daughter before she left for her honeymoon, but she was swept out to the limousine I paid for and sped off to the hotel for a night off-well, I didn't want to think about that.
After handshakes and hugs from all around, I found my other daughter, Deanna, peering up at me. I've always considered Deanna to be the successful daughter. My wife accuses me of thinking this only because Deanna attends a Catholic college. I'd just given Jenny to a man I didn't know and there stood Deanna, asking me for a designer wedding dress and a London honeymoon.
The next thing I remembered was someone slapping my face and pulling me up from the floor. I realized I didn't think I could go through another one of these things, so, like any good dad, I offered Deanna cash if she'd reconsider. I also mentioned that becoming a nun might be a good choice.
Jenny and her new husband called me after their honeymoon to thank me and let me know how happy they were. Even though I'm a little poorer, I'm glad she's happy. I also received an e-mail from Deanna today. She indicated that her usher at the wedding was“fine”and she planned to meet him again for dinner“real soon.”
That night I dreamed of designer dresses and London. Throughout the restless night I think I finally realized that I was no longer responsible for Jenny, which brought a smile to my face the next morning when I woke up. Then my wife mentioned the old saying that you'll“always be responsible for your children until you die, then you get to rest.”
把女儿嫁给一个陌生人是一件最令人高兴的事情，但同时也是一件让人恼怒的事情。我的故事很简单，但也是这个时代的真实写照。女儿的婚礼上总共有三对父母：我与我的第二任妻子，我的前妻和她的丈夫，还有新郎的父母。新郎的父母结婚已经有24年之久了。有人问我和妻子结婚多久时，我总会回答说23年，尽管实际上只有10年。为什么呢？对我来说，将两次的婚姻算在一起，来取得一个我理想的、记得住的数字，那太简单了。我和前任妻子婚姻持续了13年，与第二任妻子也结婚10年了，因此，我受家庭的束缚已经有较长的一段时间了。
第一次与我的女婿兰迪见面，是在男式晚礼服出租店里。当三位年轻男子走进店里，跟站在柜台后面的店员说话时，我正在挑选我要穿的晚礼服和鞋子。我还是想不出，为什么我的妻子可以花八百美元买一套裙子，而我却必须穿一套无数人穿过的晚礼服和鞋子。那三个年轻人说，他们要挑选在韦伯斯特婚礼上穿的“男士晚礼服”。我看着他们，思忖着哪个会是我的女婿。令我失望的是，我的选择与女儿的选择不同。我的女婿长得瘦瘦高高的，头发粗短成刺状，还留着山羊胡子。他的外表让我想知道我的外孙会是什么样子。他前天晚上去参加了一个单身聚会，现在看上去还有些酒醉未醒的样子。我作了自我介绍，而他紧张地抓过他的礼服，和同伴们消失在后面的试衣间里。我推测这帮胆小之徒必定会在试衣间里一直待到我离开，果然我的猜测应验了。
我的下一站是去婚礼礼堂，在那里有很多人期待着我花巨额金钱请他们大吃大喝。那位讨人欢心的负责人诺勒问我，想不想去看看举行典礼的房间。等我们到了那间房间，我四处打量了一下，马上对诺勒说有些东西不对劲儿。她询问是什么，我告诉她我没有看到储物柜，因为将有很多女巫来参加这个婚礼，我的意思是指我的前妻和所有她的亲戚。诺勒并没有取笑我的幽默，但我自己痴痴地笑了。如果没有别的什么，那我的确是在自娱自乐。
婚礼那天，女儿詹妮决定由我和她的母亲，也就是我的前妻，一起陪她走过走廊。起初，我有些生气，但我还是被迫同意了，因为尽管是我支付婚礼上的所有费用，但是那毕竟是詹妮的婚礼，不是我的。那真是一个进退两难的事情：我没有筹备婚礼，没有挑选礼堂、婚礼服装、婚宴菜单，甚至也没有挑选新郎，但我不得不支付一切费用。似乎我的亲戚和新郎的父母都没有多少钱，我开始有种上当的感觉，尤其是在诺勒笑盈盈地陪我四处转的时候，似乎是在猜测我是否还有另外一张没有透支的信用卡。
挽着你的女儿走在走廊上，朝那个你认为她嫁错了的男人走去，会有一种很恐怖的感觉。我看看她，她正一脸的幸福。我朝摄影师灿烂地微笑，却发现自己正在想着把詹妮从这里拉走，带回家为她找一个真正的男人。妻子一定已经读懂了我的想法，因为我看到她向我投来几束不安的目光。
典礼上的仪式也不是我想要的那样。我想要有一位牧师，结果却是一位神甫。神甫的录音电话里是一片狗叫的祝福声。本该到此停止的，但我被再次提醒：这不是我的婚礼。在进入他的布道环节之前，神甫的工作做得还是不错的。但是，他将我女儿的婚礼比做英国女王在戴安娜王妃葬礼上举行的典礼。他继续说道，葬礼之所以成了典礼，是因为英国王妃不喜欢戴安娜。这又和我女儿的婚礼有什么关系呢？再一次，我闭住自己的嘴巴，妻子用力握住我的手，眼泪从她的脸上滑落。她是开心地落泪了。如果我能挤出一两滴眼泪，那一定不是快乐的泪水。
接下来的招待会进行得很好，并没有我预料中的打斗事件发生。人们喝了又喝，诺勒继续问我是否对一切都感到满意，我总是赞许地点点头，因为直到现在，妻子注视的目光都深深地嵌在我的脑海里。我试着与我的新女婿兰迪有些接触。我想对他讲一番老套的“你要好好对她”的话，但是似乎没人给我这样一个接近他的机会。在女儿离开去度蜜月之前，我还想拥抱她，亲吻她，但是她像风一样被送进了我租来的豪华轿车里，跟着她的丈夫很快去了他们晚上要住的旅馆。算了，我不想想这些事情了。
与身边的亲朋好友拥抱握手告别之后，我看到我的另一个女儿蒂娜正凝视着我。我一直认为，蒂娜会是一个成功的女儿。妻子总指责我，这样认为只是因为蒂娜上了一所天主教学院。我刚刚把詹妮交给了一个我不认识的男人，而这里站着的蒂娜，要我为她置备一件婚纱，而且它必须是出自名牌设计师之手，还要为她支付去伦敦度一次蜜月的费用。
我记得，随后有人打了我一个耳光，然后把我从地上拖起来。我明白，我是不能再经历一次这样的事情了，于是，像许多好父亲一样，如果蒂娜会重新考虑这件事情的话，我会付给她现金。而且，我还提到，做一个尼姑也是个不错的选择。
詹妮和她的新婚丈夫在度完蜜月后给我打来电话，向我表示感谢，并且让我知道他们很幸福。尽管我比以前穷了点儿，但是知道她很幸福我也觉得很开心。今天，我还收到了蒂娜发来的电子邮件，她表示婚礼上的招待员“很不错”，她打算“尽快”再次与他见面，共进晚餐。
那天夜里，我梦到了设计师、婚纱和伦敦。经过一夜的不安宁，我想，我终于明白我不再对詹妮负有责任，这让我第二天一早脸上露出了笑容。然而，妻子又提到了那句老话：“你永远都要对孩子负责，直到你死才能停止。”
词汇笔记
exhilarating[ig'zil?reiti?]adj.令人喜欢的；使人愉快的；爽快的
Our first parachute jump was an exhilarating experience.
我们第一次跳伞感到兴奋莫名。
stamina['st?min?]n.精力；活力
The husky is unequalled for stamina and endurance.
哈士奇狗的体力和耐性是无双的。
hungover['h??'??v?（r）]adj.因余醉未醒感到难受的；心里难受的
I feel so hungover because I drunk too much last night.
我头一天晚上喝多了，现在很难受。
intoxicate[in't?ksikeit]v.使……陶醉；醉人
Power will intoxicate the best hearts, as wine the strongest heads.
权力毒害最善良的心灵，有如烈酒迷惑最精明的头脑。
小试身手
诺勒并没有取笑我的幽默，但我自己痴痴地笑了。
译____________________________
如果我能挤出一两滴眼泪，那一定不是快乐的泪水。
译____________________________
“你永远都要对孩子负责，直到你死才能停止。”
译____________________________
短语家族
I could pull Jenny off of there and bring her back home and find her a real man.
pull off：脱去；扯下；（成功地）完成；成功
造____________________________
……asking me for a designer wedding dress and a London honeymoon.
ask for：请求；要求；寻求
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