Thomas Chandler Haliburton

[1] Thinks I to myself, as I overheard a person inquire of the servant at the door, in an unmistakeable voice and tone, “Is the Squire to home?” That can be no one else than my old friend Sam Slick the clockmaker.But it could admit of no doubt when he proceeded, “If he is, tell him I am here.”

[2] “Who shall I say, Sir?”

[3] The stranger paused a moment, and then said, “It’s such an everlasting long name, I don’t think you can carry it all to worst, and I don’t want it broke in two.Tell him it’s a gentleman that calculates to hold a protracted meeting here to-night.Come, don’t stand staring there on the track, you might get run over.Don’t you hear the engine coming? Shunt off now.”

[4] “Ah, my old friend,” said I, advancing, and shaking him by the hand, “how are you?”

[5] “As hearty as a buck,” he replied, “though I can’t just jump quite so high now.”

[6] “I knew you,” I said, “the moment I heard your voice, and if I had not recognized that, I should have known your talk.”

[7] “That’s because I am a Yankee, Sir,” he said, “no two of us look alike, or talk alike; but being free and enlightened citizens, we just talk as we please.”

[8] “Ah, my good friend, you always please when you talk, and that is more than can be said of most men.”

[9] “And so will you,” he replied, “if you use soft sawder that way.Oh, dear me! It seems but the other day that you laughed so at my theory of soft sawder and human nature, don’t it? They were pleasant days, weren’t they? I often think of them, and think of them with pleasure too.As I was passing Halifax harbor, on my way home in the‘Black Hawk,’ the wind fortunately came ahead, and thinks I to myself, I will put in there, and pull foot for Windsor and see the Squire, give him my journal, and spend an hour or two with him once more.So here I am, at least what is left of me, and dreadful glad I am to see you too; but as it is about your dinner hour I will go and titivate up a bit, and then we will have a dish of chat for desert, and cigars, to remind us of by-gones, as we stroll through your shady walks here.”

[10] My old friend had worn well; he was still a wiry athletic man, and his step as elastic and springy as ever.The constant exercise he had been in the habit of taking had preserved his health and condition, and these in their turn had enabled him to maintain his cheerfulness and humor.The lines in his face were somewhat deeper, and a few straggling grey hairs were the only traces of the hand of time.His manner was much improved by his intercourse with the great world; but his phraseology, in which he appeared to take both pride and pleasure, was much the same as when I first knew him.So little indeed was he changed, that I could scarcely believe so many years had elapsed since we made our first tour together.

[11] It was the most unexpected and agreeable visit.He enlivened the conversation at dinner with anecdotes that were often too much for the gravity of my servant, who once or twice left the room to avoid explosive outbreaks of laughter.Among others, he told me the following whimsical story.

[12] “When the ‘Black Hawk’ was at Causeau, we happened to have a queer original sort of man, a Nova Scotia doctor, on board, who joined our party at Ship Harbor, for the purpose of taking a cruise with us.Not having anything above particular to do, we left the vessel and took passage in a coaster for Prince Edward’s Island, as my commission required me to spend a day or two there, and inquire about the fisheries.Well, although I don’t trade now, I speculate sometimes when I see a right smart chance, and especially if there is fun in the transaction.So, said I, ‘Doctor, I will play possum with these folks, and take a rise out of them, that will astonish their weak nerves, I know, while I put several hundred dollars in my pocket at the same time.’ So I advertised that I would give four pounds ten shillings for the largest hackmatack knee in the island, four pounds for the second, three pounds ten shillings for the third, and three pounds for the fourth biggest one.I suppose, Squire, you know what a ship’s knee is, don’t you? It is a crooked piece of timber, exactly the shape of a man’s leg when kneeling.It forms two sides of a square, and makes a grand fastening for the side and deck beams of a vessel.

[13] “‘What in the world do you want of only four of those knees?’ said the Doctor.”

[14] “‘Nothing,’ said I, ‘but to raise a laugh on these critters, and make them pay real handsome for the joke.’”

[15] “Well, every bushwhacker and forest ranger in the island thought he knew where to find four enormous ones, and that he would go and get them, and say nothing to nobody, and all that morning fixed for the delivery they kept coming into the shipping place with them.People couldn’t think what under the light of the living sun was going on, for it seemed as if every team in the province was at work, and all the countrymen were running mad on junipers.Perhaps no living soul ever see such a beautiful collection of ship-timber afore, and I am sure never will again in a crow’s age.The way these ‘old oysters’ (a nickname I gave the islanders, on account of their everlasting beds of this shell-fish) opened their mugs and gaped was a caution to dying calves.”

[16] “At the time appointed, there were eight hundred sticks on the ground, the very best in the colony.Well, I went very gravely round and selected the four largest, and paid for them cash down on the nail, according to contract.The gooneys seed their fix, but didn’t know how they got into it.They didn’t think hard of me, for I advertised for four sticks only, and I gave a very high price for them; but they did think a little mean of themselves, that’s a fact, for each man had but four pieces, and they were too ridiculous large for the thundering small vessels built on the island.They scratched their heads in a way that was harrowing, even in a stubble field.

[17] “‘My gracious,’ said I, ‘hackmatacks, it seems to me, is as thick in this country as blackberries in the Fall, after the robins have left to go to sleep for the winter.Who on earth would have thought there was so many here? Oh, children of Israel! What a lot there is, isn’t there? Why, the father of this island couldn’t hold them all.’”

[18] “‘Father of this island,’ said they, ‘who is he?’”

[19] “‘Why,’ said I, ‘ain’t this Prince Edward’s?’”

[20] “‘Why, yes,’ said they, looking still more puzzled.”

[21] “‘Well,’ said I, ‘in the middle of Halifax harbor is King George’s Island, and that must be the father of this.’”

[22] “Well if they could see any wit in that speech, it is more than I could, to save my soul alive; but it is the easiest thing in the world to set a crowd off a tee-heeing.They can’t help it, for it is electrical.Go to the circus now, and you will hear a stupid joke of the clown; well, you are determined you won’t laugh, but somehow you can’t help it no how you can fix it, although you are mad with yourself for doing so, and you just roar out and are as big a fool as all the rest.”

[23] “Well it made them laugh, and that was enough for me.

[24] “Said I, ‘the worst of it is, gentlemen, they are all so shocking large, and there is no small ones among them; they can’t be divided into lots, still, as you seem to be disappointed, I will make you an offer for them, cash down, all hard gold.’ So I gave them a bid at a very low figure, say half nothing, ‘and,’ said I, ‘I advise you not to take it, they are worth much more, if a man only knows what to do with them.Some of your traders, I make no manner of doubt, will give you twice as much if you will only take your pay in goods, at four times their value, and perhaps they might not like your selling them to a stranger, for they are all responsible government-men, and act according “to the well understood wishes of the people.” I shall sail in two hours, and you can let me know; but mind, I can only buy all or none, for I shall have to hire a vessel to carry them.After all,’ said I, ‘perhaps we had better not trade, for,’ taking out a handful of sovereigns from my pocket, and jingling them, ‘there is no two ways about it; these little fellows are easier to carry by a long chalk than them great Lumpkin hackmatacks.Good-bye, gentlemen.’”

[25] “Well, one of the critters, who was as awkward as a wrong boot, soon calls out,‘woh,’ to me, so I turned and said ‘well, “old hoss,” what do you want?’ At which they laughed louder than before.”

[26] “Said he, ‘we have concluded to take your offer.’”

[1855]

Notes

The excerpt is the first chapter in Nature and Human Nature (1855) by Thomas Chandler Haliburton, titled “Surprise”.

For Fun

Works to Read

1. Nature and Human Nature by Thomas Chandler Haliburton

It is Thomas Chandler Haliburton’s last work in which he depicted human nature in a variety of social occasions.Haliburton’s use of language added American to Lowland Scots on the list of English variants which a writer could use with a fair chance of winning appreciation and acclaim.In this regard, he paved the way for that great democratic prose epic of America, The adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

2. Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town by Stephen Leacock

It has included twelve episodes in the everyday life of the community of Mariposa, Ontario, Canada.It has become Stephen Leacock’s best known comic classic and has been known to inspire Ernest Hemingway in writing and pursuit of humor.