厄斯金·考德威尔/Erskine Caldwell

The driver stopped at the suspended footbridge and pointed out to me the house across the river.I paid him the quarter fare for the ride from the station two miles away and stepped from the car.After he had gone I was alone with the chill night and the star-pointed lights twinkling in the valley and the broad green river flowing warm below me.All around me the mountains rose like black clouds in the night,and only by looking straight heavenward could I see anything of the dim afterglow of sunset.

The creaking footbridge swayed with the rhythm of my stride and the momentum of its swing soon overcame my pace.Only by walking faster and faster could I cling to the pendulum as it swung in its wide arc over the river.When at last I could see the other side,where the mountain came down abruptly and slid under the warm water,I gripped my handbag tighter and ran with all my might.

Even then,even after my feet had crunched upon the gravel path,I was afraid.I knew that by day I might walk the bridge without fear,but at night,in a strange country,with dark mountains towering all around me and a broad green river flowing beneath me,I could not keep my hands from trembling and my heart from pounding against my chest.

I found the house easily,and laughed at myself for having run from the river.The house was the first one to come upon after leaving the footbridge,and even if I should have missed it,Gretchen would,have called me.She was there on the steps of the porch waiting for me.When I heard her familiar voice calling my name,I was ashamed of myself for having been frightened by the mountains and the broad river flowing below.

She ran down the gravel path to meet me.

“Did the footbridge frighten you,Richard?”she asked excitedly,holding my arm with both of her hands and guiding me up the path to the house.

“I think it did,Gretchen,”I said:“but I hope I outran it.”

“Everyone tries to do that at first,but after going over it once,It’s like walking a tight-rope.I used to walk tight-ropes when I was small-didn’t you do that,too,Richard？We had a rope stretched across the floor of our barn to practice on.”

“I did,too,but It’s been so long ago I’ve forgotten how to do it now.”

We reached the steps and went up to the porch.Gretchen took me to the door.Someone inside the house was bringing a lamp into the hall,and with the coming of the light I saw Gretchens two sisters standing just inside the open door.

“This is my little sister,Anne,”Gretchen said.“And this is Mary.”

I spoke to them in tile semi-darkness,and we went on into the hall.Gretchens father was standing beside a table holding the lamp a little to one side so that he could see my face.I had not met him before.

“This is my father,”Gretchen said.“He was afraid you wouldnt be able to find our house in tile dark.”

“I wanted to bring a light down to the bridge and meet you,but Gretchen said you would get here without any trouble.Did you get lost?I could have brought a lantern down with no trouble at all.”

I shook hands with him and told him how easily I had found the place.

“The hack driver pointed out to me the house from the other side of the river,and I never once look my eyes from the light.If I had lost sight of the light,Id probably be stumbling around somewhere now in the dark down there getting ready to fall into the water.”

He laughed at me for being afraid of tile river.

“You wouldnt have minded it.The river is warm.Even in winter,when there is ice and snow underfoot,the river is as warm as a comfortable room.All of us here love the water down there.”

“No,Richard,you wouldnt have fallen in,”Gretchen said,laying her hand in mine.“I saw you the moment you got out of the hack,and if you had gone a step in the wrong direction,I was ready to run to you.”

I wished to thank Gretchen for saying that,but already she was going to the stairs to the floor above,and calling me.I went with her,lifting my handbag in front of me.There was a shaded lamp,lighted but turned low,on the table at the end of the upper ball,and she picked it up and went ahead into one of the front rooms.

We stood for a moment looking at each other,and silent.

“There is fresh water in the pitcher,Richard.If there is anything else you would like to have,please tell me.I tried not to overlook anything.”

“Dont worry,Gretchen,”I told her.“I couldn’t wish for anything more.It’s enough just to be here with you,anyway.Theres nothing else I care for.”

She looked at me quickly,and then she lowered her eyes.We stood silently for several minutes,while neither of us could think of anything to say.I wanted to tell her how glad I was to be with her,even if it was only for one night,but I knew I could say that to her later.Gretchen knew why I had come.

“I’ll leave the lamp for you,Richard,and I’ll wait down stairs for you on the porch.Come as soon as you are ready.”

She had left before I could offer to carry the light to the stairhead for her to see the way down.By the time I had picked up the lamp,she was out of sight down the stairs.

I walked back into the room and closed the door and bathed my face and hands,scrubbing the train dust with brush and soap.There was a row of hand-embroidered towels on the rack,and I took one and dried my face and bands.After that I combed my hair,and found a fresh handkerchief in the handbag.Then I opened the door and went downstairs to find Gretchen.

Her father was on the porch with her.When I walked through the doorway,he got up and gave me a chair between them.Gretchen pulled her chair closer to mine,touching my arm with her hand.

“Is this the first time you have been up here in the mountains,Richard?”her father asked me,turning in his chair towards me.

“I’ve never been within a hundred miles of here before,sir.It’s a different country up here,but I suppose you would think the same about the coast,wouldnt you？”

“Oh,but Father used to live in Norfolk,”Gretchen said.“Didnt you,Father？”

“I lived there for nearly three years.”

There was something else he would say,and both of us waited for him to continue.

“Father is a master mechanic,”Gretchen whispered to me.“He works in the railroad shops.”

“Yes,”he said after a while.“Ive lived in many places,but here is where I wish to stay.”

My first thought was to ask him why he preferred the mountains to other sections,but suddenly I was aware that both he and Gretchen were strangely silent.Between them,I sat wondering about it.

After a while he spoke again,not to me and not to Gretchen,but as though he were speaking to someone else on the porch,a fourth person whom I had failed to see in the darkness.I waited,tense and excited,for him to continue.

Gretchen moved her chair a few inches closer to mine,her motions gentle and without sound.The warmth of the river came up and covered us like a blanket on a chill night.

“After Gretchen and the other two girls lost their mother,”he said,almost inaudibly,bending forward over his knees and gazing out across the broad green river,“after we lost their mother,I came back to the mountains to live.I couldn’t stay in Norfolk,and I couldn’t stand it in Baltimore.This was the only place on earth where I could find peace.Gretchen remembers her mother,but neither of you can yet understand how it is with me.Her mother and I were born here in the mountains,and we lived here together for almost twenty years.Then after she left us,I moved away,foolishly believing that I could forget.But I was wrong.Of course I was wrong.A man cant forget the mother of his children,even though he knows he will never see her again.”

Gretchen leaned closer to me,and I could not keep my eyes from her darkly framed profile beside me.The river below us made no sound,but the warmth of its vapor would not let me forget that it was still there.

Her father had bent farther forward in his chair until his arms were resting on his knees,and he seemed to be trying to see someone on the other side of the river,high on the mountain top above it.His eyes strained,and the shaft of light that came through the open doorway fell upon them and glistened there.Tears fell from his face like fragments of stars,burning into his quivering hands until they were out of sight.

Presently,still in silence,he got up and moved through the doorway.His huge shadow fell upon Gretchen and me as he stood there momentarily before going inside.I turned and looked toward him but,even though he was passing from sight,I could not keep my eyes upon him.

Gretchen leaned closer against me,squeezing her fingers into the hollow of my hand and touching my shoulder with her cheeks as though she were trying to wipe something from them.Her fathers footsteps grew fainter,and at last we could no longer hear him.

Somewhere below us,along the bank of the river,an express train crashed down the valley,creaking and screaming through the night.Occasionally its lights flashed through the openings in the darkness,dancing on the broad green river like polar lights in the north,and the metallic echo of its steel rumbled against the high walls of the mountains.Gretchen clasped her hands tightly over my hand,trembling to her finger tips.

“Richard,why did you come to see me?”

Her voice was mingled with the screaming metallic echo of the train that now seemed far off.

I had expected to find her looking up into my face,but when I turned to her,I saw that she was gazing far down into the valley,down into the warm waters of the river.She knew why I had come,but she did not wish to hear me say why I had.

I did not know why I had come to see her,now.I had liked Gretchen,and I had desired her above anyone else I knew.But I could not tell her that I loved her,after having heard her father speak of love.I was sorry I had come,now after having heard him speak of Gretchens mother as he did.I knew Gretchen would give herself to me,because she loved me;but I had nothing to give her in return.She was beautiful,very beautiful,and I had desired her.That was before.Now,I knew that I could never again think of her as I had come prepared.

“Why did you come,Richard？”

“Why?”

“Yes,Richard;why?”

My eyes closed,and what I felt was the memory of the star-pointed lights twinkling down in the valley and the warmth of the river flowing below and the caress of her fingers as she touched my arm.

“Richard,please tell me why you came.”

“I dont know why I came,Gretchen.”

“If you only loved me.as I love you,Richard,you would know why.”

Her fingers trembled in my hand.I knew she loved me.There had been no doubt in my mind from the first.Gretchen loved me.

“Perhaps I should not have come,”I said.“I made a mistake,Gretchen.I should have stayed away.”

“But you will be here only for tonight,Richard.You are leaving early in the morning.You arent sorry that you came,for just this short time,are you,Richard?”

“I’m not sorry that I am here,Gretchen,but I should not have come.I didn’t know what I was doing.I havent any right to come here.People who love each other are the only ones-”

“But you do love me just a little,don’t you,Richard?You couldn’t possibly love me nearly so much as I love you,but can’t you tell me that you do love me just a little?I’ll feel much happier after you have gone,Richard.”

“I dont know,”I said,trembling.

“Richard,please-”

With her hands in mine I held her tightly.Suddenly I felt something coming over me,a thing that stabbed my body with its quickness.It was as if the words her father had uttered were becoming clear to me.I had not realized before that there was such a love as he had spoken of.I had believed that men never loved women in the same way that a woman loved a man,but now I knew there could be no difference.

We sat silently,holding each others hands for a long time.It was long past midnight,because the lights in the valley below were being turned out;but time did not matter.

Gretchen clung softly to me,looking up into my face and laying her cheek against my shoulder.She was as much mine as a woman ever belongs to a man,but I knew then that I could never force myself to take advantage of her love,and to go away knowing that I had not loved her as she loved me.I had not believed any such thing when I came.I had traveled all that distance to hold her in my arms for a few hours,and then to forget her,perhaps forever.

When it was time for us to go into the house,I got up and put my arms around her.She trembled when I touched her,but she clung to me as tightly as I held her,and the hammering of her heart drove into me,stroke after stroke,like an expanding wedge,the spears of her breasts.

“Richard,kiss me before you go,”she said.

She ran to the door,holding it open for me.She picked up the lamp from the table and walked ahead up the stairs to the floor above.

At my door she waited until I could light her lamp,and then she handed me mine.

“Good night,Gretchen,”I said.

“Good night,Richard.”

I turned down the wick of her lamp to keep it from smoking,and then she went across the hall towards her room.

“Ill call you in the morning in time for you to catch your train,Richard.”

“All right.Gretchcn.Dont let me oversleep,because it leaves the station at seven-thirty.”

“Ill wake you in plenty of time,Richard,”she said.

The door was closed after her,and I turned and went into my room.I shut the door and slowly began to undress.After I had blown out the lamp and had got into bed,lay tensely awake I knew I could never go to sleep,and I sat up in bed and smoked cigarette after cigarette,blowing the smoke through the screen of the window.The house was quiet.Occasionally,I thought I heard the sounds of muffled movements in Gretchens room across the hall,but I was not certain.

I could not determine how long a time I had sat there on the edge of the bed,stiff and erect,thinking of Gretchen,when suddenly I found myself jumping to my feet.I opened the door and ran across the hall.Gretchen’s door was closed,but I knew it would not be locked,and I turned the knob noiselessly.A slender shaft of light broke through the opening I had made.It was not necessary to open the door wider,because I saw Gretchen only a few steps away,almost within arm’s reach of me.I closed my eyes lightly for a moment,thinking of her as I had all during the days ride up from the coast.

Gretchen had not heard me open the door,and she did not know I was there.Her lamp was burning brightly on the table.

I had not expected to find her awake,and I had thought surely she would be in bed.She knelt on the rug beside her bed,her head bowed over her arms and her body shaken with sobs.

Gretchens hair was lying over her shoulders,tied over the top of her head with a pale blue ribbon.Her nightgown was white silk,hemmed with a delicate lace,and around her neck the collar of lace was thrown open.

I knew how beautiful she was when I saw her then,even though I had always thought her lovely.I had never seen a girl so beautiful as Gretchen.

She had not heard me at her door,and she still did not know I was there.She knelt beside her bed,her hands clenched before her,crying.

When I had first opened the door,I did not know what I was about to do,but now that I had seen her in her room,kneeling in prayer beside her bed,unaware that I was looking upon her and hearing her words and sobs,I was certain that I could never care for anyone else as I did for her.I had not known until then,but in the revelation of a few seconds I knew that I did love her.

I closed the door softly and went back to my room.There I found a chair and placed it beside the window to wait for the coming of day.At the window I sat and looked down into the bottom of the valley where the warm river lay.As my eyes grew more accustomed to the darkness,I felt as if I were coming closer and closer to it,so close that I might have reached out and touched the warm water with my hands.

Later in the night,towards morning,I thought I heard someone in Gretchens room moving softly over the floor as one who would go from window to window.Once I was certain I heard someone in the hall,close to my door.

When the sun rose over the top of the mountain,I got up and dressed.Later,I heard Gretchen leave her room and go downstairs.I knew she was hurrying to prepare breakfast for me before I left to get on the train.I waited a while,and after a quarter of an hour I heard her coming back up the stairs.She knocked softly on my door,calling my name several times.

I jerked open the door and faced her.She was so surprised at seeing me there,when she had expected to find me still asleep,that she could not say anything for a moment.

“Gretchen,”I said,grasping her hands,“don’t hurry to get me off-I’m not going back this morning-I dont know what was the matter with me last night-I know now that I love you-”

“Bat,Richard-last night you said-”

“I did say last night that I was going back early this morning,Gretchen,but I didn’t know what I was talking about.I’m not going back now until you go with me.Ill tell you what I mean as Soon as breakfast is over.But first of all I wish.you would show me how to get down to the river.I have got to go down there right away and feel the water with my hands.”

司机在吊桥旁边停了车，向我指了一下河对岸的房屋。从火车站到这里，大概两英里，于是我付给他两角五分钱便下车了。司机离开后，我感觉很孤单，此时，只有凄冷的夜晚和星星点点的灯光在山谷中闪烁，而脚下宽阔碧绿的河水则冒着热气在流淌。山峦向四周蜿蜒，恰如夜空中的乌云。只有眺望远方，才可以依稀看到落日暗淡的余晖。

踏上吊桥后，小桥随着我脚步的节奏，开始摆动。很快，强烈的摇晃使我几乎无法迈步。只有走得越来越快，才能将我自己粘在如钟摆一样摇晃的桥上。当最后我望见彼岸的时候，那里的山猛然扑过来，栽入温暖的河水中。我把手提包抓得更紧了，尽我所能地跑起来。

尽管到了对岸，双脚踩在砾石小路上嘎吱作响，我依旧有些害怕。我知道如果是在白天，我会毫无惧色地走过这座桥。可是在晚上，在一个完全陌生的乡村，四周黑山耸立，脚下宽阔黛绿的河水长流不息，面对此情此景我的手不由自主地颤抖起来，心脏也开始剧烈地跳动起来。

我很容易就找到了那幢房子。回想起刚才过河时的奔跑，不禁自嘲般地大笑了起来。过桥后，首先映入眼帘的就是那幢房子。就算我没有看到，格莱琴也会叫我的。她在门廊台阶上站着，正在等我。听见她用那熟悉的声音呼喊我的名字时，我为自己被四周群山和脚下宽阔的河水吓倒而感到有些羞愧。

沿着砾石路，她跑下来接我。

“吊桥吓坏你了吧，理查德？”她很兴奋地问道，双手挽住我的胳膊，带我走到上面的房子去。

“我想确实是这样的，格莱琴，”我回答说，“不过总算跑过来了。”

“开始的时候，每个人都会努力的，可经过一次，就像在绷索上走。小的时候，我常常走绷索——你没走过吗，理查德？我们曾经把绳子在谷仓的地面上拉直，在上面练习过的。”

“我也走过，可那是很久远的事了，现在我早就忘记怎么走的了。”

登上台阶，我们就向门廊走去。格莱琴带我走到了厅堂门口。屋里有人拿出一盏灯到厅堂。通过越来越近的灯光，我看见格莱琴的两个妹妹站在门口。

“这是我的小妹妹安妮，”格莱琴说，“这是玛丽。”

在半明半暗中，我和她们说着话，走进了厅堂。格莱琴的父亲正在桌旁站着，他将手中的灯稍稍倾斜，以便看清我的脸。我以前从未见过他。

“这是我的父亲，”格莱琴说，“他还担心在黑暗中你会找不到我们的房屋。”

“本来是要提着灯去桥头接你，但是格莱琴说，你肯定能找到。迷路了没？我本来应该带盏灯下去的，一点都不麻烦。”

我和他握着手，告诉他我找到这里很容易。

“在河对岸的时候，出租车司机就指给我房子在哪里了。我盯着灯光，一刻也没有离开。如果没有灯光，我或许还在黑暗中的某个地方跌撞着，或许掉进了河里！”

他笑我害怕这条河。

你不要放在心上，河水很温暖。即使是冬天，冰天雪地，河水依旧像舒服的房间一样暖和。所有住在这里的人都喜欢这里的河水。

“不，理查德，你不会掉进河里的，”格莱琴说的时候，把她的手放进了我的手里，“你一下汽车，我就看见你了。如果你方向走错一步，我就准备跑过来。”

我真想感谢格莱琴的这番话，可是，她已经走到楼梯口叫我过去了。我把手提包放在身前，和她一起上楼。在楼上厅堂的尽头，有一张桌子，桌子上放着一盏带着灯罩的灯，灯火调得不大。她拿起灯，径直走进前面的一间房里。

我们默默望着对方，站了一会儿。

“理查德，水罐里有清水。如果你还想要什么，告诉我就行了。我尽量不漏掉什么东西。”

“不用担心，格莱琴，”我告诉她，“我不会再要什么了。只要能和你在一起，就足够了。其他东西我都不在意。”

她迅速看了我一眼，然后垂下了眼帘。好几分钟，我们就这样默默地站着，不知道说什么好。我想告诉她，和她在一起，哪怕只有今晚，我也会感到非常快活的。不过，我觉得我应该晚一会儿再说。她知道我为什么来这里。

“我把灯给你，理查德。在楼下的走廊里，我等着你，你收拾好了就下来吧。”

我还没来得及拿灯到梯顶给她照一下路，她就已经离开了。等我拿起灯的时候，她早已消失在楼下了。

走进房间，我关上了门，用肥皂和刷子洗掉脸上粘在脸和手上的灰尘。在挂物架上，一排手工的绣花毛巾晾在那里，我拿一条擦干脸和手。然后把头发梳整齐，又从手提包里找出一条干净的手帕。最后才开门下楼，去找格莱琴。

她和父亲坐在在走廊上。我从门道走过的时候，他站起身，给了我一把椅子放在他们中间。格莱琴把她的椅子向我拉近一点，然后用手抚摸着我的胳膊。

“这是你第一次来山区吧，理查德？”她的父亲把椅子转过来，对着我。

“这一百英里之内，我从未来过，先生。这是一个完全不同的地方。我想，如果你去海滨，你的想法也是这样的，不对吗？”

“哦，我的父亲曾经在诺福克生活。”格莱琴说，“不是吗，父亲？”

“我在那里生活了将近三年。”

他似乎还有话要说，所以我们等着他继续说。

“爸爸是个技工头，”格莱琴小声地对我说，“他工作的地方是铁路机械厂。”

“没错，”过了一会儿，他说，“我在很多地方生活过，可是这里才是我想生活下去的地方。”

我第一个念头就是想问他，为什么他不喜欢其他地方，却偏偏对这个山沟情有独钟。可我突然意识到，他和格莱琴都沉默了，非常奇怪。在他们两个中间，我异常茫然。

过了一会儿，他又开始说话了，但不是对我说，也不是对格莱琴说，好像是对门廊里的另外一个人，一个在黑暗中我看不见的人说话。我又紧张又激动，等着他接着说。

格莱琴又把她的椅子往我这边拉近了些，轻轻地，没有一点声音。寒冷的夜里，河水温暖的蒸汽笼罩上来，就像是寒夜里的一床毛毯。

“在格莱琴姐妹们失去母亲后，”他低声说道，声音小得几乎听不见。他向前探了探身子，朝宽阔、幽绿的河彼岸远方望去。“在她们的母亲去世后，我回到山里生活，我不能在诺福克生活，也忍受不了巴尔的摩的生活。在这个世界上，我只有在这片土地上才能找到安宁。格莱琴怀念她的母亲，但你们无法理解，对我来说，这意味着什么。我和她的母亲都出生于此，在这里共同生活了将近二十年。后来，她去世了，我愚蠢地以为换个环境就能忘记往事，所以我搬家了。但是，我错了，大错特错，一个男人永远不会忘记他孩子的母亲，哪怕他知道自己永远也见不到她。”

格莱琴斜着身子，靠我靠得更近了，我一直望着身旁她那朦胧的身影。脚下的河水寂静无声，但暖暖的河水蒸汽却让我无法忘记它的存在。

在椅子上，她父亲的身体前倾得愈加厉害了。后来，他将双臂放在在膝盖上，就好像正试图寻找彼岸高山上的某个人似的。敞开门道里射过来的光线照在他的眼睛上闪闪发光。眼泪如散开的星星一般从他的脸上滑下来，滴在他颤抖的手上，直到看不见。

过了一会儿，他仍沉默不语，只是站起来向门口走去。进屋前，他站在那里待了一会儿，高大的身影倒映在我和格莱琴的身上。我转身看着他，然而，尽管他就在我的眼前走过，我却不敢正视他。

格莱琴向我靠得更近了，她将手指塞进我的拳心，脸颊蹭着我的肩膀，似乎要把脸上的什么东西蹭下来似的。她父亲的脚步声越来越小，最后，终于听不见了。

在我们的下面，顺着河岸，有一辆特快列车从峡谷中疾驰而过，嘎吱作响的车轮声和汽笛的尖叫声，划破了夜空的沉寂。火车的光亮时不时地透过车窗，在宽阔、碧绿的河上跳跃着，如同北极的星光在漆黑的旷野上掠过。火车隆隆的声响回**在山峦屏障里。格莱琴紧紧地抓着我的手，指尖都在颤抖。

“理查德，你为什么来看我呢？”

她的声音混杂在似乎远去的火车隆隆的回声里。

我本以为她会抬头望着我，可当我转过头的时候，发现她却朝山谷深处望去，望着那暖暖的河流。她知道我为什么来这里，可她不希望我亲口告诉她原因。

现在，我也不知道我为什么来看她。我曾经喜欢过格莱琴，在所有认识的女孩中，我最想得到的就是她。但是，听完她父亲对爱情的理解后，我不能告诉她我爱她。听完他对格莱琴母亲做的一切，我后悔来到这里。我知道格莱琴会为我献身，因为她爱我，但我没有任何东西回报她。她很漂亮，非常漂亮，我曾经渴望得到她，但那是从前了。现在，我知道了，我再也不能像从前那样思念她了。

“你为什么来呢，理查德？”

“为什么？”

“是啊，理查德，你为什么来？”

我闭上眼睛，能感觉到的是记忆中峡谷中闪烁的点点星光，下面那温暖的河水，还有她手指抚摸我时的温情。

“理查德，请告诉我你来的原因。”

“格莱琴，我不知道我为什么来这里。”

“如果你只爱我，就像我爱你那样，理查德，你就会知道你是为什么来这里的。”

她的手指颤抖起来，我知道她爱我。从一开始，我就从没怀疑过，格莱琴爱我。

“或许我就不该来，”我说，“我错了，格莱琴，我应该离你远一点。”

“可是理查德，你只是今晚在这里。明天清晨，你就离开了，你不会为你的到来，仅仅是今晚这么短的时间后悔吧，理查德？”

“我不后悔来到这里，格莱琴，但是，我觉得我不该来。自己在做什么，我自己都不知道。我没有任何权利来这里。彼此相爱的人才是那唯一的——”

“但是，你真的对我是有那么一点爱意的，不对吗，理查德？或许，你不可能像我爱你那样爱得那么深，可是，你就不能告诉我，你对我确实有点爱意吗？这样，纵然你离开后，我也会感到幸福的，理查德。”

“我不知道。”我颤抖着说。

“理查德，请——”

我紧紧握着她的手。突然，我感到什么东西攫住我，以迅雷不及掩耳之势刺痛了我的全身。我仿佛一下子明白了她父亲说的话。在此之前，我从未意识到世间还有他所谈到的那种爱。我曾经认为，男人爱女人与女人爱男人的方式是不会一样的。但我现在明白了，两者之间根本没有任何差别。

我们静静地坐着，很长时间，彼此握着手。峡谷下面的灯光正在熄灭，我们知道午夜过去了很长时间。但是，时间对我们没有什么影响。

格莱琴软软地依偎在我的身边。她望着我的脸颊，脸颊靠在我的肩膀上，如同我的女人一样。但是，我很明白：我不像她爱我那样爱她，所以，我不能强迫自己欺骗她的爱情，然后远走高飞。我来的时候，一点都不相信爱情之类的东西。为了拥她入怀几个小时，我从远方来到这里就是为了拥她入怀，哪怕只有几个小时，然后，我就忘记她，或许是永远忘记。

到了进屋的时候了，我站起来，双臂抱着她。当我抚摸她的时候，她颤抖起来，但是，她仍然像我拥抱她时一样，紧紧地靠在我的怀里。她咚咚跳动的心脏撞击着我。她的胸膛像海浪般，剧烈地起伏着。

“理查德，在你离开之前，吻吻我吧。”她说。

她跑到门口，给我打开门，然后从桌子上拿起灯，走在前面，上了楼梯。

在我到门口前，在我没点亮灯之前，她一直等着。点亮灯后，她把灯递给了我。

“晚安，格莱琴。”我说。

“晚安，理查德。”

我把她的灯芯拧小，以防冒烟。然后，她穿过厅堂，向自己的房间走去。

“明天早上，我会及时叫醒你，让你去赶火车的，理查德。”

“好的，格莱琴，别让我睡过了，七点半的时候火车就开了。”

“我早一点叫醒你吧，理查德。”她说。

进屋后，她关上门，我转身进了自己的房间。我关上门，慢慢地把衣服脱下来。吹灭灯后，我紧张地躺在**，但是睡不着。我知道我是睡不着了，于是坐在**，开始一根一根地抽烟，烟雾吹到纱窗外。房子静悄悄的，偶尔，我似乎还能听到一些压抑动作的声音，似乎是从厅堂对面格莱琴的房间传过来的，可是我不确定。

在床边坐了多长时间，我不知道，我就是这样直挺挺地坐着，想着格莱琴。突然，我跳起来打开门，跑过厅堂。格莱琴的房门紧闭着，但我知道没有反锁。于是轻轻转动把手。通过我打开的房门，一道微弱的灯光斜射过来。敞开房门是没必要了，我看见她和我之间的距离只有几步远，一伸手就可以摸到她了。我默默地闭上眼睛，想了她一会儿，如同白天从海滨驱车来这里一样，一直想着她。

格莱琴既没有听到我开门，也不知道我在她身后站着。她桌上的那盏灯明亮地燃烧着。

我没想到她还没睡觉。我以为她一定上床睡觉了呢。她在床边的小地毯上跪着，把头埋在臂弯里，随着抽泣声，身体一颤一颤的。

格莱琴的头发在肩上披散开来，只扎着一根淡蓝色的缎带。她穿着一袭白色丝绸睡衣，睡衣上嵌有精致的蕾丝花边，扎着花边的领口敞开着。

尽管我过去一直都认为格莱琴漂亮，可这时，我才发现她简直漂亮得无与伦比。我还没有见过哪个女孩像格莱琴这样美丽可爱。

她没有听到我在她的门口，仍然不知道我在那里站着。她在床边跪着，双手摊在**，哭泣着。

开始推开门的时候，我也不知道要做什么，可是，现在看到她在房间的床边祈祷，甚至没有发觉我望着她，听她祷告、抽噎，我才确信，自己对她的关爱远胜于其他任何人。直到那时，经历了这几秒钟之后，我才知道，我的确爱她。

我轻轻地关上门，回到自己的房间。我找了把椅子，把它放在窗前，坐着等待黎明的到来。我坐在那里，俯瞰暖河流经的山谷深处。随着眼睛渐渐适应黑暗，我似乎感到我离那条河越来越近，似乎只要一伸手，我就能触摸到那温暖的河水。

后半夜的时候，黎明即将来到了，我隐隐听到在格莱琴的房间，有轻轻走动的声音，似乎是有人在窗边来回踱步。有一次，我肯定有人就站在厅堂里离我房门不远的地方。

太阳升上山顶的时候，我起床，穿戴整齐。不久，我听到格莱琴从房间里走出来、走下楼的声音。我知道，为了让我赶上火车，她正忙着给我准备早餐。我等了一会儿，一刻钟后，我听到她上楼的声音。她轻轻地敲着我的房门，喊了好几遍我的名字。

我一下子打开门，站在她面前。她本以为我仍在沉睡，所以一时间竟不知所措，诧异地看着我。有好长一段时间，她说不出一句话。

我紧紧地抓着她的手，说：“格莱琴，不要急着让我离开——今天早上，我不回去了——我不知道我昨天晚上怎么了——但是我现在才明白，我爱你——”

“但是，理查德——昨天晚上，你说过——”

“昨天晚上，我的确说过今天清晨要走，格莱琴，可我不知道当时我在胡说什么。现在我不走了，除非你和我一起走。一吃过早餐，我就告诉你我是怎么想的。但是首先，我希望你告诉我怎样才能到河边去，我要马上去那里，然后用双手去感受温暖的河水。”

心灵小语

激发内心深处的触动，那才是你心灵深处的声音。

词汇笔记

porch[p?:t?]n.门廊

he heard footsteps on the porch.

他听到楼道里有脚步声。

whisper[hwisp?]v.低声说；耳语；嘀咕；低语；私语；小声说

Did she whisper in your ear at the meeting?

开会时，她跟你私下交谈了吗？

inaudibly[in?:d?bli]adv.听不见似地；不可闻地

she spoke inaudibly low.

她说话的声音低得无法听到。

strained[streind]adj.紧张的；不友善的

He realized that she was too strained.

他意识到她太紧张了。

小试身手

火车的光亮时不时地透过车窗，在宽阔、碧绿的河上跳跃着，如同北极的星光，在漆黑的旷野上掠过。火车隆隆的声响回**在山峦屏障里。

我曾经认为，男人爱女人与女人爱男人的方式是不会一样的。但我现在明白了，两者之间根本没有任何差别。

短语家族

The house was the first one to come upon after leaving the footbridge,and even if I should have missed it.

Even if：即使；纵然

I knew then that I could never force myself to take advantage of her love,and to go away knowing that I had not loved her as she loved me.

Take advantage of：利用；趁……之机