On hearing the news that a relative or friend has died, the first thing you will need to do is to extend your sympathy and offer assistance in whatever way you can. It is not easy to deal with the emotion of grief, but it is important to let the family know that they are not alone though their loved one is gone.

■Expressing Sympathy

If you are a family member or close friend of the family of the deceased, pay a visit to their home to express your sympathy and offer your help.

It is always best to express your sympathy in a simple and brief way. The family will appreciate a sincere expression of condolence though it is brief. “I’m sorry” and “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss” are the most commonly used expressions, and of course they should be delivered in a sympathetic, sincere voice. If you are acquainted with the deceased, it is often helpful to say so: “Mike will be missed by everyone” or “I always counted Mike as a good friend”. Kind words are always appreciated.

As most people may find themselves at a loss for words in this case, it is advisable to follow the lead of the family members. If they want to talk about the deceased, lend an ear and a few minutes of your time. Being a good listener may be the best solace you can provide for them.

You don’t have to stay for a lengthy period of time when attending calling hours. Just follow your instincts as to how long to stay. If the deceased was a good friend, you may feel it necessary to stay longer, expressing your own grief, and paying your respects to the family at the same time. If it is the first time you meet the family, introduce yourself and let them know how you are connected to their loved one. Co-workers and colleagues of the deceased may attend calling hours together, but avoid descending on the bereaved all together. Each one may offer individual sympathy and a word or two of support, such as “I am so sorry for your loss”, and/or “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help”.

If you are indeed able to offer assistance with food gifts, or childcare, or picking up out-of-town relatives, do so by all means. These gestures are thoughtful and invaluable. Sudden, or tragic deaths, may be so emotionally draining, your assistance to the bereaved will be long appreciated and remembered. In the case of the elderly woman or man who has lost a spouse and may not have children close by to attend to their needs, a lending hand with transportation or running errands can make the ordeal so much easier on them.

Many times funerals become a place to share memories. Visitors are encouraged to talk about their memories of the deceased. Sometimes the family learns new things about their loved one that they didn’t know before! While we all accept the somber atmosphere of a funeral setting, sharing stories and laughter can personalize the occasion and actually help ease the pain. Sorrow is an individual suffering, but joyful stories shared freely can make the grief easier to bear.

While there is no substitute for a personal visit if you are able to do so, there are a number of ways you can express your sympathy.

◇Phone Calls. Call to offer condolences and support. But keep any calls brief.

◇Flowers. It is an accepted custom to send a floral tribute in many traditions, either sending to the funeral home or the family’s residence. If the family asks that donations should be made in lieu of flowers, you should honor that request.

◇Memorial Gifts. Usually the family will designate a specific organization or charity. Remember to provide the family’s name and address so they can send proper notification.

◇Sympathy Card. Those who are not intimate with the family usually choose to send a message of sympathy in a card. This is recommended as many people find it difficult to accept phone calls immediately after the news of the death.

◇Food for the Family. Dishes that require little preparation are most appropriate.

■The Wake

A wake takes place before the actual funeral service and is usually held in the evening. If you can not make it to the funeral, it is a good opportunity to come and support the deceased’s family. The wake may be held in someone’s home or at the funeral parlor. When you arrive, first offer your sympathy to the grieving family. This is the reason for the wake, really. The family get it all over in a night instead of having people offering their condolences at work, at the gym, and at the grocery store—over and over, in places where they’d rather not have the emotion come rushing back and hit them like a ton of bricks.

If the casket is present, take a moment to stand by it, saying a prayer or thinking of the deceased’s life. Then you may mingle with the other guests. You don’t have to stay too long—just long enough to make your presence felt and pay your respects. Be sure to sign the register with your name and address before you head out, as the family may wish to look it over later and/or send you a note of thanks.

■The Funeral Service

Funeral services differ depending on the personal and religious beliefs of the family. However, regardless of the type of funeral you are attending there are some common rules of etiquette.

◆ Arrive Early

It is suggested to arrive at the church or funeral home at least 15-20 minutes early. You should enter quietly and get seated. Don’t sit in the first few rows, they are usually reserved for family members. Not to sit at the back either, unless the chapel is full. The family might feel isolated at the front and the clergy may have difficulty in making themselves heard.

◆ The Dress Code

When we think of funerals, the first image that often leaps to mind is that of people dressed in black. While black is still the traditional color for funerals, this standard has loosened up in modern times to include other dark, conservative clothing. Still, the best way to go is donning a black suit, white shirt, conservative tie, and well-shined black shoes.

Death is life’s most solemn occasion, and the inability to put aside comfort and personal preference to show your utmost respect for the end of a life is inexcusable.

◆ Participate in the Ceremony

There may be times during the service when participation is requested either via a prayer, hymn or song. You should recognize the tradition and decision of the family even if you are not religious or agree with the choice of dedication.

◆ Being a Pallbearer

Being a pallbearer is a traditionally male job. The family will typically choose six men to attend the casket (sometimes “honorary pallbearers”—who have a strictly symbolic role—are also chosen). The invitation to be a pallbearer is a great honor and one you can not refuse except for the most serious of reasons. It’s like the somber flip side of being asked to be a groomsman.

The job of the pallbearer was once a functional one; they were charged with carrying the coffin from the church to the cemetery. Now the role is almost entirely symbolic. The casket is typically set on a rolling cart, and you just put your hand on it as it rolls, only lifting it up when it is time to load and unload it from the hearse.

If you are chosen to be a pallbearer, come to funeral about 30 minutes early and find the funeral director. He/She will gives you instructions on what will be expected of you—where to gather, when to come into the church, and in which row to sit.

You should be dressed well at a funeral anyway, but if you are asked to be a pallbearer, make an extra effort to look presentable and respectful.

◆ Driving in the Funeral Procession

Funeral processions are one of the few remaining outward signs of death in this society.

After the funeral, everyone will get in their cars and proceed as a group to the cemetery. The cars will follow behind the hearse. Turn on your headlights and emergency blinkers and closely follow the car in front of you. The procession will drive slower than the speed limit. In some countries, laws allow funeral processions to drive through red lights and stop signs.

As a normal driver, when you come upon a funeral procession, do your best to let them pass and stay together. Don’t try to cut into the procession. If safe, pull to the side of the road and let the line keep going. In the old days, men got out of their cars and doffed their hats while the procession passed. Probably too dangerous on our modern thoroughfares, but a nice thought.

◆ Leave Promptly

The chief mourners leave first, followed by everyone else.

■Afterwards

In the days and months to come, the family will continue to need your support: grief counseling and support services; call or write on a regular basis; offer help and run errands; remember them on special occasions and holidays; include them in your social plans.