Getting engaged is one of the most romantic and happy times of your life. Whether you have been courting for a few years or just a few weeks, you are jointly making both a public and personal commitment to get married and to spend the rest of your lives together.

If you wish to be sensitive and courteous to your families’ feelings, a little etiquette may well prevent any hurt feelings, particularly if one or both your parents may end up footing the bill for your wedding day! If you think that your decision to get engaged might come as a shock to your parents, you should discuss your intentions with them at an opportune moment before making any public announcements. They will then have an opportunity to express their concerns and to discuss with you both the implications of your decision. You will also have a chance to reassure them that your relationship is ready for this momentous step in your lives.

If the engagement will not be a shock to the parents, it is customary for the man to ask the lady’s father for her hand in marriage. Although it is traditional for the man to seek permission from his future father-in-law before proposing, most men today propose first and then, as a mark of respect, ask for permission.

To many modern people, seeking permission may seem old fashioned and inappropriate today. But it is still seen as a respectful and polite gesture. If the man lives some distance away he should telephone or write to his future father-in-law.

Most parents care tremendously for their children’s welfare, whatever their ages, and they would welcome discussing such an important decision with you. They will then be assured that their daughter will be well-cared for and your decision will be seen as being made responsibly. Getting your parents on-board at this time should make the rest of the wedding day planning much simpler and less stressful.

■The Marriage Proposal

The traditional way of making a marriage proposal was for the man to make his appeal to his bride-to-be on bended knee. Today though, men usually opt for something a little less spectacular and in many cases it is simply agreed by mutual consent. However, your proposal will remain a memorable and special event forever and it is worth taking the time to think of a way that is either unique and/or romantic. It could be that you are proposed to over a romantic candle lit dinner for two or the question just popped out in the check-out queue at the supermarket! It’s up to you to decide but it is worth considering what your partner would appreciate and what will provide you both with a happy memory in the future. Having said all this, you still can’t beat a bit of good old-fashioned tradition by getting down on one knee!

In these days of sexual equality many women are taking the initiative and proposing to their men. Certainly, on February 29th each leap year, there are always many media reports of women taking advantage of the ancient leap year tradition by making the marriage proposal. (There is a well-known tradition in the UK associated with 29th February, introduced many centuries ago. Women are allowed to break with tradition and propose to their boy-friends on this day.)

However you decide to propose, the words that still remain most popular are simply “will you marry me?”

■Announcing Your Engagement

You should be keen to let your family members, relatives and friends know of your engagement if they are aware of your decision. It is up to you whether you do this by telephoning, writing or simply letting the “grape-vine” do the work. Depending upon how far spread your family and friends are, you may wish to consider an announcement in the local or national newspapers. A formal press announcement usually takes the following form:

A less formal announcement could read:

It is customary for the girl’s father to be responsible for making and paying for the public announcements if the girl’s parents are hosting the forthcoming nuptials. However, before the announcement is submitted for publication, her groom-to-be’s parents should be shown the announcement for their approval.

■Length of Engagements

Although engagement lengths vary enormously, depending upon circumstances, it is usual for the engagement period to last between 6 and 18 months. However, anything less than six months will probably not allow enough time to arrange a traditional wedding with all the usual trimmings.

■Choosing Your Engagement Ring

It is traditional for the man to give his bride-to-be an engagement ring as a visible sign of their love and betrothal. Usually an engagement ring is a dress ring, that is, a ring with a gemstone. A ring with one diamond, known as a diamond solitaire, is still the most popular choice. As well as looking stunning, diamond is the hardest substance on earth and it has since the 15th century symbolized strength and security. However, couples are increasingly opting for something different and are incorporating other gemstones, both precious and semiprecious, in their ring to add additional significance.

Decide upon a budget before you go shopping for a ring. That way you will be able to concentrate on rings that you can comfortably afford. But do always remember that your engagement ring symbolizes your love and betrothal to each other, the value of which should not be measured by the ring’s price.

Many brides-to-be like to give a present in return to mark their special occasion. Popular ideas for such a gift include a gold chain, cuff-links, signet ring, or a tie pin or clip.

■Wearing Your Engagement Ring

You should traditionally wear the engagement ring on the third finger of your left hand (the finger next to your little finger). There are two strongly held beliefs of this tradition, although there is no precise evidence to explain its origin. The first, dating back to the 17th century, is that during a Christian wedding the priest arrived at the forth finger (counting the thumb) after touching the three fingers on the left hand “...in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost”. The second belief refers to an Egyptian myth that the ring finger follows the vein of love that runs directly to the heart.

■The Parents’ Meeting

Once the engagement is announced, it is customary for the groom-to-be’s mother to write to her future in-laws expressing delight at the good news and to suggest a date and venue for both sides to get together. Hosted by the groom-to-be’s parents, the meeting could take the form of dinner, lunch or a weekend stay.

Such a meeting would be an ideal opportunity for them to share in your happiness in a relaxed, social environment, and will mean that on the wedding day your parents are not confronted with total strangers! Alternatively, if you are planning to have an engagement party and both sets of parents live a considerable distance apart, then this could be the venue for them to meet, although it will not be as intimate and quiet as a private meeting.

■Celebrating Your Engagement

Most couples celebrate their engagement with some form of party for family and friends, which is traditionally hosted by the bride-to-be’s parents. You may choose to throw a large party or have a small gathering at home. Whatever you decide upon, it is customary for the bride-to-be’s father to make a short informal speech followed by a toast to the happy couple. Alternatively, you may just want a private dinner for the two of you or jet off and spend an exciting and romantic holiday together. The choice is yours.

■Calling off Your Engagement

It is always best to call off an engagement than proceed with a marriage that will clearly not work, even if it is at the eleventh hour.

Some of your guests will almost certainly bring you gifts if you hold an engagement party. Therefore, you should keep a record of who gives you what so that you are able to return them in the event you call off your engagement. With regard to the ring, there is no hard and fast rule about its return. If the woman breaks off the engagement, it would be reasonable for her to offer the ring back. However, the woman has the right to keep what was originally a gift.

If you call off your engagement after wedding invitations have been sent, you should send a printed card to all the invited guests simply stating the following:

Etiquette does not require any explanation as to why the engagement has been called off. Any gifts that have been received should be returned.